


Missing You

by riordmag



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Baekhyun - Freeform, ChanBaek - Freeform, Chanyeol - Freeform, EXO - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 02:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7783798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riordmag/pseuds/riordmag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been 3 years since Baekhyun left Chanyeol without a word. Chanyeol reflects on their past together and tries to let go and accept that Baekhyun left for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing You

He was what I imagined true beauty to be. Inside and out. The skin on his arms was pure and milky white. It was soft and beautiful, like something unearthly, like he wasn't real. At least that's the way I remembered it. Eyes as bright as the sun shining on my face on the first day of spring, making me forget what the cold winter had felt like. Seeing his smile felt like I was flying. Not in the scary way. But in a way that you could trust. Like he had his arms around me and all I could feel was his steady heartbeat, hearing only his voice telling me everything was fine. 

I hadn't felt anything like being with him for 3 years. That was the last time I saw him. 8 years ago. It didn't feel like life without him.. I know, it had been 3 years, I should get over it. Trying was all I could do for the time being. In fact, I was almost ready to accept it and move on. I didn't know where he was. He could be dead for all I knew. But I couldn't help but feel this tiny sliver of what if. What if he came back. Would it feel the same? Would he feel that connection again? The connection he had longed for constantly ever since he left. What if's are dangerous to keep thinking about when they're so unlikely. These what if's were most unlikely but they were what if's that I needed to get by. 

I wondered if he ever wondered about me as much as wondered about him. I wondered if he remembered the summers never spending more than a night away from each other. I wondered if he remembered how it felt to be in each other's presence, how easy it was to be with each other. I wondered if he had found that again. Part of me hoped he had found another best friend. Someone to make him happy. He deserved that. But another part of me longed for him to feel the same as I did. Empty without each other. I didn't want to believe it was one sided but it was entirely possible. If he truly cared for me the same way, why did he leave like that? Maybe he never felt the same way. Maybe he never truly cared as much as I thought he did. 

When he and I met, at only 10 years old, the connection was instant. It was like somehow we were meant to be with each other, our heartstrings knotted together, destined to be friends. And now that he was gone, the heartstrings hadn't broken, only pulled farther apart, stretching, leaving a constant stinging that could only be relieved if somehow we were together again, never to leave each other's sides. 

Over the years, I had had tried to make friends. I wanted friendship like I had with him. I wanted to forget about him and move one. I want to find happiness without him because as far as I knew, he wasn't coming back. But everyone else felt distant and unreal. Conversations were empty. Words were fake. Everyone was a cardboard cutout spewing words at random without meaning. And it constantly surrounded me, reminding why I wanted him back. 

I think he broke me. He took something from me, leaving me with a fatal flaw, an inability to feel genuine connection. He stole it from me, wanting it for himself. And was that my fault or his? Should I resent him for leaving me alone in the dark? I couldn't. I loved him. And I would always wondered if he was out there, loving me, struggling to feel something without me like I struggled to feel something without him. 

The day he disappeared is clearer in my mind than anything. That morning we were in my backyard, sitting on the old swing set. It was the second day of summer vacation and the promise of summer nights spent together made my stomach flutter. He was singing a song overplayed on the radio quietly to himself, hoping I would overhear him singing. His messy reddish hair blew in the breeze and the movement of the swing set. I was listening to his voice, smooth and beautiful. I closed my eyes for a few seconds to really listen. It sounded sweet like honey and smooth like velvet. But real, like him. 

"You're quiet today," he said, stopping his song abruptly. 

I didn't reply. I was aware of my own unusual quiet demeanor today. I planned to tell him something. Today. Tell him that I loved him. Not in the friendship way. In the hold hands and kiss his forehead way. Something that had the potential of ruining our friendship forever. I knew everything about him but the one thing I didn't know was if he felt the same about me. But I had spent to much time lately thinking about the shape of his lips and the softness of his skin and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I wanted to tell him today. The end of the school year had me feeling reckless enough to say the words. I just had to work up a little more courage. Tonight. Tonight, and I would say what had been on my mind for far too long. 

We had planned to sleep in my backyard and watch the stars while burning all our old schoolwork in my fire, an end of the year tradition. I wanted to tell him then. I was scared and nervous. I kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong but also what could happen if it went right. And, goddamn it, I wanted it to go right. I didn't expect perfection. I just hoped for no rejection. 

His voice shook me from the nervous thoughts swimming in my head, "I gotta go home and walk my dog. My mom keeps texting me. I'll be back later," he smiled and I let him go. My mistake. 

Hours had passed. I had been in my backyard this whole time, texting him, wondering when he was going to return to my backyard for the usual festivities. It was getting late. It was already dark getting pretty cold. He hadn't answered any of his messages. I never went to his house without permission even though he lived nearby so I continued to wait, letting the butterflies in my stomach stir until it felt like I was going to puke from anxious thoughts about telling him my true feelings. 

I found it slightly odd that he wasn't answering his texts. We were inseparable at all times, even when we were away from each other. I had expected a reply within a few minutes of the first message but it had been 3 hours since I sent that first text.

Enough time had passed that I decided to walk to his house. He lived down the street. Maybe his phone died. Maybe he got in trouble. Whatever the case, there was no way I was missing the chance to tell him now that I had spent the past day psyching myself up to tell him I loved him. 

I tried to think rationally. Best case scenario: he feels the same. Maybe I get to kiss him. Worst case scenario: he doesn't want to be friends anymore because it's too weird. 

Rational thinking didn't prepare me for what came. 

I showed up at his doorstep. All his lights were off but this was usual, since his parents were usually working and he was usually at my house. I rang the doorbell. Nobody came. I rang three more times. No answer. It didn't seem likely he was still walking his dog. It had been hours. But maybe. I didn't know so I just sat on his doorstep, waiting. 

An hour later, I figured I should walk home. I didn't know what was happening. He would've told me if he was gone. Where did he go? When was he coming back? Did something happen? I tried to shake the bad thoughts of what could've happened out of my head. I'm sure he was just somewhere with his parents and his phone died so he couldn't tell me. I was disappointed that our yearly start of summer vacation tradition was no longer happening, but I also had a bad feeling in my gut that something wasn't right. 

After a long walk home, I decided to just go to bed. I couldn't deal with my brain anymore. 

Days passed. Nothing from him. He still wasn't home. His parents weren't either. Those days turned into weeks. Those weeks turned into months. Those months were now years. I still had the messages he didn't reply to that night on my phone. 

I let a week pass and then I got suspicious enough to start trying to find out where he was. It didn't take much to find out, I soon found out. The sleuthing I expected to be doing was not what really happened. I simply asked my mom first. She looked quite confused when I questioned her. 

"His parents had business in Europe. They're moving there. He didn't tell you?"

I didn't reply. He didn't tell me? He didn't tell me. Me, of all people. He had to have known that he was leaving and he didn't even tell me? What reason could he possibly come up with for not sharing this very important information with his best friend? Why in the world would he keep this from me?

"Do you know when he's coming back?"

"Oh, honey, I don't know if he is coming back."

"Oh..." I replied, fighting back tears.

"I thought for sure you knew, honey...I'm sorry," she said, wrapping her arms around me, "I'm sure you two can still keep in contact." 

But I knew that wasn't the case. I had been texting him since that night and he hadn't replied once. I had sent him a few emails. I had tried to contact him in any way I could only to get no reply. Was it deliberate? I guess I would never know. I was hurt and shocked that he wouldn't inform me that he would be gone. Probably for good. And the fact that he stopped texting back, answering his phone, and his emails, confused me more than anything. I thought that maybe if I got his address from someone, I could write to him, or maybe even go visit him, but it just seemed as if he didn't want me in his life anymore. And I guess I would have to try and live with that. 

I got through my days fine. I went to school, finished my homework, got good grades. I participated in school events. I was in a few plays. I hung out with people. I was a normal kid. Something was just missing. I figured that maybe I would have to go my whole life with something missing. I could hope and hope for him back but as each month of him gone passed, I began to accept the fact that he was gone. 

Today was 3 years on the dot since I last saw him. I was finally read to accept the fact that he was really gone. Truly accept it. I was ready to say goodbye. I know, I talk about him like he died or something. I know he's alive. He has to be. I have no reason to think otherwise. He's just gone away to live somewhere else. Even though he isn't dead, it feels almost that way to me because he was gone in a snap, with nothing more. 

I was outside in my backyard, sitting where I sat 3 years ago, him beside me, and then, him gone. I was alone now. School ended yesterday. High School ended. I graduated. Without him. I had always imagines us graduating together but of course, what you imagine as a kid usually doesn't turn out the same way in reality. It was cold and getting dark outside. I had a piece of paper in one hand and a lighter in the other. Written on the paper was his name followed by everything I missed about him. I read it aloud to the night, wishing he could hear me. 

"I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss the way you smile you square shaped smile and the whole world turns brighter. Your smile has the ability to light up the night. I miss us sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night just so we could walk around the neighborhood and talk. I miss weekends with you where we would only eat pizza and watch tv. I miss sitting next to you on my swing set, betting each other that this time we would fly over the top. I miss throwing marshmallows at your face and you still eating them off the ground. I miss the way you hugged me when we hadn't seen each other in a week. I miss you showing me memes during class and us trying not to laugh and get in trouble with the teacher. I miss your voice singing along to the radio or just making up a tune off the top of your head. I miss you more than anything. I wish that you would come back to me everyday. And I wonder why you haven't. There hasn't been a day that has gone by where I haven't had the question of why you never answered my calls after you left on my mind. It breaks my heart every day because I never got to tell you. I never got to tell you what I was ready to say to you that day. I love you. I love that way you smile. I love the way you laugh. I love the way your voice sounds. I love you in the way where my heart flutters when our hands brush against each other. I wanted to tell you this because I longed to hold your hand. I wanted you to say you loved me too. I wanted to kiss you. To hug you. To wrap you in my arms and fall asleep with you. But now I won't ever hear what you would've said. You're gone. And I'm finally done with hoping you'll return. I have to move on. I have to live with the fact you're not coming back and start living my life without you. This goodbye if for real." 

"Goodbye, Baekhyun." 

I took the lighter in my opposite hand and lit the corner of the paper, letting my words fade away and fall into the earth. 

Goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still debating whether or not to make more parts to this fic. Let me know your thoughts. <3  
> Maggie


End file.
